If popular culture is any
indication, it seems women
suffer from an epidemic inability
to refuse additional
responsibilities. Magazines,
self-help books and therapists
nationwide offer heaps
of advice on how to assert
oneself, draw boundaries
and generally say No when
asked to sign on for those
things for which we have
little time and less interest.
We’re urged to stop putting
our own needs last and remember
that taking time
for ourselves is a necessity,
not an act of selfishness.
Me? I’ve never had that
problem. When asked to
take on something that
sounds like a time-consuming
bore (cooking daily
meals, for example), I have
no problem begging off.
Just ask my husband — the
one with the culinary talent
and the weekly meal
plans to prove it.
So you’d think I would
have a lot of Me Time —
hours and hours to kick
back, read gossip magazines
and figure out exactly
how to apply Oprah’s vast
and infallible wisdom to my
daily existence.
You’d be wrong.
Although I have no trouble
saying No to other people,
I have yet to be able to
be so assertive with myself,
which means that I perpetually
(joyfully, excitedly)
invite far more activity into
my days than there are
hours to accommodate it.
Do I want to meet with
friends every week for knitting
and conversation? Yes.
Do I want to volunteer
for one thing or another at
my daughters’ schools? Absolutely.
Can I help a friend of a
friend’s daughter who
wants to learn more about
creative writing? You betcha.
You need help putting
out a monthly newsletter to
help your organization stay
in touch with donors?
Oooooh - me, me, me - I
know how to do that.
A puppy who needs to be
house-trained and taught
to behave? I love puppies;
I’m sure I’ll find the time
somewhere.
You know what I’ve always
wanted to do? Grow a
massive organic garden.
Sign me up.
And these two pigs we
have in the back field will
be gone by next month.
Time to start thinking
about new baby animals for
next spring. Maybe dairy
and fiber goats. We’ll make
our own cheese and I’ll
learn to spin mohair. But
first we’ll have to build our
own barn and expand the
fencing.
There’s no way that will
get in the way of my schedule
of growing my new business
and taking a half-time
load of writing-intensive
college classes.
And it will leave plenty
of time for being a parent
and a wife and a person
who wants to live in a house
that is not in danger of
health department condemnation.
These are not chores or
burdens. They’re passions
and delights.
And the notion that I
should be forced to choose
between them, limit them
or outright reject them is
unfair in the extreme.
Back in January, I decided
to focus this year’s
columns on attempts to live
more mindfully. Incredibly,
I don’t think I’m on anyone’s
short list for Bodhisattva
of the Year Award.
It’s a process. And for some
of us the process toward
more mindfulness is longer
than for others.
What I have learned is
that I am not good at saying
no to myself. Not only
do I want to have lots of experiences,
but I want to
pursue each and every one
of them as though that were
my only pursuit.
It’s not sustainable.
So I am going to learn to
apply my editor’s discipline
to my artist’s joie de vivre. I
will say yes to things that
make me happy. But I will
say yes to fewer of them.
One of the things to
which I am sadly, painfully
saying No is this very column.
I have written a
weekly column in one form
or another for various publications
for some 16 years
now. I’m not sure I know
how to not do it. But in my
effort to edit my commitments,
I must make the difficult
decision to take an
indefinite hiatus from this
column.
However, I plan to still
maintain my blog at www.
moremindfulfamily.wordpress.
com, so please go online
and have a look. You
can even sign up to get new
entries in your e-mail box
or RSS reader.
I hope you’ll find me
there, where we can go beyond
just reading and writing
and engage in conversation.
I can promise to show
up when I have something
good to share.
In the meantime, I’ll be
celebrating this Thanksgiving
with an abundance of
gratitude for all of you who
have shared a few weekly
moments with me.
Elizabeth Trever Buchinger
is so glad we had this
time together. You can continue
this conversation at
www.moremindfulfamily.
wordpress.com.
Columns
This Wonderful Life: I can say No, but I prefer Yes
- Columns
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From Fly Creek: Passing fronts and settled weather
(I owe the first part of this column to an informal writers’ workshop sponsored by the Smithy Pioneer Gallery. The small group, led by Gallery Director Danielle Newell, meets Sunday afternoons and is open to anyone interested in the writing craft. As a warmup exercise on that very rainy afternoon, we each wrote a few paragraphs on the weather and emotions. Here’s what that keen group prompted me to scribble down) The dour old Scotsman, the one featured in jokes without number about buying lottery tickets, pinching pennies, scorning worldly ways, etc., once silenced a friend who was praising the beautiful weather.
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In These Otsego Hills: We're back from Michigan ...
Unfortunately, we once again find ourselves stuck in a time warp. When we look at the calendar, we realize that Labor Day is fast approaching. Yet, we seem to be operating under the misconception that it is still early July due in large part to the fact that we spent the almost five weeks from July 15 to August 17 in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We feel the summer has sailed by and we, unfortunately, have not kept pace.
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Otsego Herald: Censorship?
All those indebted to John Lawrence, Post-rider, and do not settle the same IMMEDIATELY may rely upon having to pay cost!! Otego, Aug. 24.
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In These Otsego Hills: 1984 comes to a close ... finally
As we continue traipsing through 1984, we realize that even though we were supposed to be covering the comings and goings of Cooperstown, we actually were able, even then, to touch on a number of pressing community, as well as personal, issues. Of course, much to the relief of the powers that were at CCS, the school was not among them. The he-we ran for the school board in 1984 and was elected. Thus the school was deemed off limits by the powers that were at the paper. But we discovered there was still a wide range of issues upon which we could write.
Continued ... -
Otsego Herald: New school book
From the Otsego Herald for Saturday, Aug. 18, 1810
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Book Notes: Books offer tennis insights
Professional tennis sometimes seems to be the ultimate life. Where else could you travel the world, earn gobs of money, get in great shape, and have groupies from the opposite sex chasing you all the time? And you get all your equipment free to boot (which may explain why players smash racquets without remorse). Quite a glamorous life, isn’t it?
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In These Otsego Hills: Continuing our 1984 musings
Now that we have undertaken the beginnings of this column, we fear we find ourselves unable to stop our review of the early writings. In fact, we seem to be completely addicted to the project. And thus, we will continue to explore the very foundations on which this column has been built.
Continued ... -
Book Notes: Burnett's book recalls 'Golden Age'
It’s a shame that today’s young generation missed the golden age of television from the 1960s and 70s. The fact that Hollywood studios with their ``original’’ ideas of constantly remaking hit TV shows from that era into new movies and reunion specials is quite telling. Even Fox with its ``That 70’s Show’’ is a reminder of that whimsical time.
Continued ... -
Home Notes: A place to cherish
As we enter into the middle of summer, let us pause and relish in the fact that we have been blessed with such lovely weather.
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From Fly Creek: Hurray for Mother Bassett!
Just back from my annual week at Lake George’s Silver Bay, in company with about 600 other Quakers. As always, it was a great time: Friends shared silence in the early morning by the lake and during the day in the big brown-shingled tabernacle. (Silver Bay is an old YMCA camp.)
Continued ...
Plenty of fine stringed music and singing in the evenings; lots of daytime rocking-chair stints on the deep veranda, facing across rolling lawns and lake to green mountains and skies of startling blue. -
In These Otsego Hills: In the beginning
Our remembering Jerry in last week’s column has now lead us to muse about our early days of writing a weekly newspaper column.
Continued ... -
Book Notes: Prohibition should not be ignored
I was an American history major in college and one topic that my professors never discussed was prohibition.
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Otsego Herald: Elopement
From the Otsego Herald for Saturday, July 21, 1810 Compiled, with comments BY HUGH C. MACDOUGALL
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Home Notes: Personal Care is a rewarding occupation
When I was a young girl in the early 50’s my family would often take rides through Cooperstown and the Cherry Valley area.
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In These Otsego Hills: Remembering Jerry ...
Difficult as it is to believe, we have been a widow for eleven years this week. And yet it seems as if our late husband Jerry just died yesterday. The memory of it remains most vivid in our mind. We suppose there is much that we don’t remember about July 20, 1999. But we do remember just how much that day changed our life forever. We lost not only our spouse of 28 years, but also our best friend.
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Otsego Herald: Celebrating the 4th
From the Otsego Herald for Saturday, July 14, 1810 Compiled, with comments by
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Our Opinion: What’s good for the goose...
The board of trustees has decided to hire an engineer to review the work of CLA Site, the firm hired to do the site assessment and design work for the Village Gateway Project _ now known as the Cooperstown Intermodal Transit Project. That review will cost up to $12,000.
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From Fly Creek: ‘Thump-thump, dum-lum’
Since I last wrote to you I’ve been several times embraced to Mother Bassett’s bosom.
Continued ...
(Oh dear, I hope that’s not a disrespectful metaphor. But if you’ve seen photos, you know she was a handsome, dignified woman with an ample superstructure.) This time, for variety, the hospital visits at first seemed to have little to do with Parkinsonism. But a new problem had turned up that had me tested in every part of the hospital except obstetrics. -
In These Otsego Hills: Travels with The Widge...
We have decided that the role of grandmother is quite to our liking. As we have been told any number of times, as a grandparent it is perfectly acceptable to hold, play with and fawn over the grandchild until such time as said grandchild becomes fussy. And then, and this is the best part, it is completely within the purview of the grandparent to return the fussy grandchild to the parents. We love it.
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Otsego Herald: Shocking accident, American arrested
On Wednesday last, as Joseph Faulkner, esq. of Middlefield, was returning home from Cherry-Valley, a gust of wind arose up suddenly, a large Elm was blown across the road, directly on Mr. Faulkner, who, together with his horse was instantly killed.
Continued ...
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From Fly Creek: Passing fronts and settled weather
