If popular culture is any
indication, it seems women
suffer from an epidemic inability
to refuse additional
responsibilities. Magazines,
self-help books and therapists
nationwide offer heaps
of advice on how to assert
oneself, draw boundaries
and generally say No when
asked to sign on for those
things for which we have
little time and less interest.
We’re urged to stop putting
our own needs last and remember
that taking time
for ourselves is a necessity,
not an act of selfishness.
Me? I’ve never had that
problem. When asked to
take on something that
sounds like a time-consuming
bore (cooking daily
meals, for example), I have
no problem begging off.
Just ask my husband — the
one with the culinary talent
and the weekly meal
plans to prove it.
So you’d think I would
have a lot of Me Time —
hours and hours to kick
back, read gossip magazines
and figure out exactly
how to apply Oprah’s vast
and infallible wisdom to my
daily existence.
You’d be wrong.
Although I have no trouble
saying No to other people,
I have yet to be able to
be so assertive with myself,
which means that I perpetually
(joyfully, excitedly)
invite far more activity into
my days than there are
hours to accommodate it.
Do I want to meet with
friends every week for knitting
and conversation? Yes.
Do I want to volunteer
for one thing or another at
my daughters’ schools? Absolutely.
Can I help a friend of a
friend’s daughter who
wants to learn more about
creative writing? You betcha.
You need help putting
out a monthly newsletter to
help your organization stay
in touch with donors?
Oooooh - me, me, me - I
know how to do that.
A puppy who needs to be
house-trained and taught
to behave? I love puppies;
I’m sure I’ll find the time
somewhere.
You know what I’ve always
wanted to do? Grow a
massive organic garden.
Sign me up.
And these two pigs we
have in the back field will
be gone by next month.
Time to start thinking
about new baby animals for
next spring. Maybe dairy
and fiber goats. We’ll make
our own cheese and I’ll
learn to spin mohair. But
first we’ll have to build our
own barn and expand the
fencing.
There’s no way that will
get in the way of my schedule
of growing my new business
and taking a half-time
load of writing-intensive
college classes.
And it will leave plenty
of time for being a parent
and a wife and a person
who wants to live in a house
that is not in danger of
health department condemnation.
These are not chores or
burdens. They’re passions
and delights.
And the notion that I
should be forced to choose
between them, limit them
or outright reject them is
unfair in the extreme.
Back in January, I decided
to focus this year’s
columns on attempts to live
more mindfully. Incredibly,
I don’t think I’m on anyone’s
short list for Bodhisattva
of the Year Award.
It’s a process. And for some
of us the process toward
more mindfulness is longer
than for others.
What I have learned is
that I am not good at saying
no to myself. Not only
do I want to have lots of experiences,
but I want to
pursue each and every one
of them as though that were
my only pursuit.
It’s not sustainable.
So I am going to learn to
apply my editor’s discipline
to my artist’s joie de vivre. I
will say yes to things that
make me happy. But I will
say yes to fewer of them.
One of the things to
which I am sadly, painfully
saying No is this very column.
I have written a
weekly column in one form
or another for various publications
for some 16 years
now. I’m not sure I know
how to not do it. But in my
effort to edit my commitments,
I must make the difficult
decision to take an
indefinite hiatus from this
column.
However, I plan to still
maintain my blog at www.
moremindfulfamily.wordpress.
com, so please go online
and have a look. You
can even sign up to get new
entries in your e-mail box
or RSS reader.
I hope you’ll find me
there, where we can go beyond
just reading and writing
and engage in conversation.
I can promise to show
up when I have something
good to share.
In the meantime, I’ll be
celebrating this Thanksgiving
with an abundance of
gratitude for all of you who
have shared a few weekly
moments with me.
Elizabeth Trever Buchinger
is so glad we had this
time together. You can continue
this conversation at
www.moremindfulfamily.
wordpress.com.
