On the ninth day of Christmas, driving down Cooperstown’s Eagle Street, I saw something astounding! No, not “nineladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans” etc. I saw one jogger jogging. And puffing on a cigarette.
What? No lie, he was bouncing along at a good clip,hood up and hands in pockets, and exhaling smoke every third step. I didn’t see him flick off the ashes; the bouncing probably took care of that.
But, odds bodkins! What was going on? Physically, that guy was multiplying the effects of his deadly habit at least times two, and probably more. He was breathing fast, and those bellows in his chest were sucking in toxins horrifically. His heart was thumping,and so the poisons not left to ravage his lungs were pumping through his bloodstream to wreck still more parts of a very susceptible organism: Himself.
Excuse me, but what the hell? Was this a new year’s resolution gone terribly wrong?
Had he resolved to raise a vulgar finger to medicine and common sense, and to let no one push him around?
Good luck, buddy, I say— but people are going to push you around. First it will be in a wheelchair, then on a gurney, then on a morgue tray as you’re slid into cold storage. Oh, and then you’ll be pushed along on that wheeled contraption that folds as it’s slid into the hearse.
Well, good luck to him and God bless. But as I drove on, I wondered what kind of omen might that weird vision have been.
I puzzled over that all through my laps at the Sports Center, and I was still puzzling when I walked into Cooperstown Natural Foods.
“Ellen,” I asked, “Does anyone on staff here interpret omens?”
Ellen laughed, but shared my shock when I told her what I’d seen. “Maybe,” she offered, “he’s rationalizing that the jogging cancels out the smoking. People do such things.”
Indeed we do. I didn’t tell Ellen that I sometimes drink fat-free milk with a thick wedge of pie for that very reason. But then another explanation arose.
Maybe he’s taken the “end of the world in 2012” stuff seriously and figures he’s got nothing to lose.
Well, that made sense. My old boss at the college, bless him, went cold turkey on smoking and succeeded. But years afterward he was still saying that, if he got a terminal disease, he’d head right out to buy some Lucky Strikes, unfiltered.
But, poor jogger! If he’s banking on the world ending this year, he’s caught in a net of miscalculations. Even if the Mayans (and I forget whoever else) were right, our calling this particular year “2012” is purely arbitrary. What! Yes. Large parts of our reckoning of time are purely human creations, and purely arbitrary.
Not so the solar year, of course; and not so lunar months. Those were occurring long before there were humans to note them — and, eventually, to start assigning numbers and names to them. And so it was with days: darkness followed light and light followed darkness for eons before we dust mites tried to harness them with language. Troubles started to arise with the numbering of years.
(And later trouble arose with attempts to regularize each “moonth” so that 12 of them fit neatly into a year.) Earlier peoples simply numbered their years against the time when a particular monarch came to power. You can check the Gospels and see both Mark and Matthew attempting to do just this with the birth of Jesus. These days, most biblical scholars put the birth of Christ at 4 BC. That raises hob with numbering our years Anno Domini, since by that base number, this yearis 2016. (Somebody tell that jogger!)
Things got more complicated. Julius Caesar, feelinghis oats as Roman emperor, established his own calendar. That Julian calendar, flawed in many ways, limped along until 1582 when Gergory XIII,feeling his own oats as pope, decided to set things straight. Part of his reform was to skip ten days as numbered by the Julian calendar to get the date March 21 onto the actual vernal equinox day.
Oh, but by 1582 much of Europe had turned Protestant, and those countries chose to ignore a new calendar for decades, sticking with the Julian model. For those decades, most people were doubledating documents, using both calendars.
By 1650 the confusion of double-dating had become so bad that the British Parliament took the situation in hand for Great Britain and its colonies. (That included us.) A series of 1752 calendar adjustments finished up with the day after 1752’s Sept. 2 being declared Sept. 14.
Our George Washington, a Virginian and British subject, was caught straddle-legged by the change. He was born on Feb. 11, 1731; but after 1752, he had been born on Feb. 22. Now, did that add a dozen days to his life or subtract them? Don’t ask me; such questions make my head hurt. But the answer is, of course, neither. Assigning years arbitrary numbers doesn’t change their nature. Time is time, whatever clock face you tack on it.
And so anyone worrying about the dire significance of 2012 had better ease off. Even if we ignore all the calendar jiggling over the centuries, best evidence these days says that Anno Domini was 4 BC. Too late, then, to worry about 2012; that was four years ago. And so much for all the sound and fury about Y2K — remember that? That time we were sweating over a calamity that hadn’t happened four years earlier.
Well, if you’re driving through Cooperstown and see that benighted jogger, please stop your car. Get out and trip him, stamp out his cigarette, and set him straight on what year of his life this is.
And tell him that the days of our lives, however we number them, are precious gifts. They’re only lent to us, and they’re not ours to throw away.
Then get quickly back into your car before he’s on his feet again.
Columns
From Fly Creek: Now wait a minute!
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Passing along advice of seeing the humor
The best advice given to me many years ago when I started teaching had nothing to do with my discipline, English. Rather, a former mentor insisted on the necessity of having a sense of humor
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The week that was ...
For a number of years now, we have not been in Cooperstown for the spring season. And we must admit that we had quite forgotten what it is like. But since we decided that travel was not on the docket for this year, we have become reacquainted with the Cooperstown spring. And we must say we rather enjoyed it with the possible exception of occasional uncalled for snow and seemingly frigid temperatures.
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Local Voices From Around the Globe: Mother's visit was a benchmark for this year
Last week, my mother made the 25-hour plane trip out to Thailand to visit her son, me, after nine months of having only choppy Skype sessions and scattered emails to give her an idea of what I look and act like since having left home last August.
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Local Voices From Around the Globe: World traveler calls Euro-Tour experience of a lifetime
While I've had a great time throughout my entire exchange, I can say hands down that the month of April brought me the best memories of my exchange if not some of the best of my entire life. What kind of wonder would bring me to say this? Simple. Euro-Tour.
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Maryland port attacked
Havre de Grace, May 3. "This morning, a little after the break of day, a British armed force, under cover of armed vessels which anchored in front of this town ... landed below a small breast work which had been roughly thrown up, and in which were one 9 and two 4 pounders, manned by 50 militia.
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Memoir reflects on 'roller-coaster life and career'
Apparently, the third time wasn't the charm. The way Reynolds described him, the third husband was worse than the first two combined and that's saying a lot. Eddie Fisher literally walked away from Reynolds and their two infant children to chase a sex goddess. At least he got his just desserts when Elizabeth Taylor tossed him aside for Richard Burton.
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Imagine what might have been ...
A while back we got a telephone call from a reader of this column wanting to know why we had not written a column in support of Otsego Manor continuing to be owned and operated by Otsego County. And even though we have followed the debate over this issue in the newspaper, we readily admitted we did not feel we knew enough about the situation to take a stand.
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Herpes virus brings harness racing to a halt
I've been going to harness horse race tracks my entire life. My family has been in the business for years.
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Time, if not traffic, moves on ...
It is with sadness we note the passing of two people who we have known since moving to Cooperstown in 1982.
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Canadian capital captured
Dear Sir, I have just returned from Fort Niagara, where I saw a Captain of the United States' navy. He is just from little York, the capital of Upper Canada, and gives the following account, which is confirmed in official dispatches from Gen. Dearborn to Gen. Lewis ...
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Local Voices From Around The Globe: Exchange is like a life in a year
All exchange students realize the credibility of this statement. Like all lives no exchange is the same, all are incredible unique exchanges. The metaphor of life, from baby to old age, extends to every part of the exchange.
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Movie depicting legendary Jackie Robinson does not disappoint
Going to the movies is not something I do often. I can count the number of times I have gone on my fingers, unless you include trips to the drive-in. And even so, it took me years before I made it to one of those -- going for the first time two summers ago.
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'Dubious' about weather, Hawkeyes 'suitable' nickname
Unfortunately, it seems to us that this spring has, thus far, been anything but spring like. In fact, we are still more than happy to stay bundled up in our polar fleece.
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'Who's on Worst?' reveals the ugly in baseball
The Baseball Hall of Fame celebrates the greatest players, managers and owners from our national pastime. Any of us who have watched Major League baseball have inevitably seen some of these immortals practicing their craft. But we have also likely witnessed a sample of their opposite brethren, players who shouldn't have been in the Major Leagues. Has there ever been a definitive source that "celebrates" the non-accomplishments of the worst that Major League baseball has to offer?
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Swallow talk and bluebird vigilance
I assume the swallows have returned to Capistrano. They have returned to Hawthorn Hill as well.
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Local Voices From Around the Globe: Life in Hungry has taken a turn for the better
I can truthfully say spring has finally arrived in Hungary. It's almost time to wear shorts and sandals, for summer will be just around the corner. This brings me great happiness and great sadness, my adventure is coming to a close. Really what a time it was, I don't think I can compare it to anything else.
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The importance of speaking up ...
Over the years we have come to understand that, in writing a weekly column, it is not possible to always please everyone. And such was the case with our column that ran at the end of March in which we wrote about our experience as in inpatient following a total hip replacement.
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Public schools created
The Common School Act of 1812 marked the start of New York's public school system. Much of the credit for this was due to the radical Otsego County politician Jedediah Peck (1747-1821). To quote the NY Education Department:
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Book takes readers on path for equal rights
One of the most troubling aspects of our history is race relations. It takes a long time to achieve true equality in a society when the heritage of one ethnic group is slavery and Jim Crow laws. Even today African Americans are more likely to be stereotyped as athletes than doctors, lawyers or entrepreneurs. The path to a "color-blind" nation is still a work in progress.
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Local Voices From Around the Globe: Experiencing India at every new turn
Come, sit down. Hold this and, wait ... ah, there you go. Obeying these commands, I found myself seated on the pavement, wearing a turban and attempting to make sounds out of a recorder-like instrument for the black cobras in the baskets not two feet away from me.
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Passing along advice of seeing the humor
